Do you love me?

“Simon son of John, do you love me?” John 21:16

Here is another one of the most famous episodes in the bible. Jesus had resurrected from the dead and reappeared to His disciples while they were back in their fishing boats. While they were having breakfast on the beach, Jesus asked Peter one of the most astonishing questions in their entire time together, "Simon, do you love me?"

Many people who read this verse believe that Jesus was confirming Peter's love and dedication for Him. While that is true, most people do not see the underlying conversation going on underneath those three "Do you love me"s.

15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

To understand what I'm talking about, we have to go back into the greek translation of these verses and look at the word "Love" that's been used here.

Verse 15:
Jesus: Simon son of John, do you love [Agapao] me more than these?”
Peter: “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love [phileo] you.”

Verse 16:
Jesus: “Simon son of John, do you love [Agapao] me?”
Peter: “Yes, Lord, you know that I love [phileo] you.”

Verse 17
Jesus: “Simon son of John, do you love [phileo] me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love [phileo] me?”
Peter: He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love [phileo] you.”

Can you see the problem now?

In verse 17, it says, "Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?”". Most people think that Peter was hurt because Jesus had asked him the same question the third time. But the problem wasn't that. The problem was the change in the use of words to portray Simon's love for Jesus. It grieved him so. In the first two verses, Jesus asked Peter if he [Agapao-ed] Him. Whereas in the last verse, He asked him if he [Phileo-ed] Him.

What was the difference between the two words that caused Peter to grief so much? 

Agapao, in brief, is a love that's commonly associated with God's Love - which is unconditional and sacrificial. It was a love fully surrendered to God and went beyond feeling (though may include feelings as well). Whereas Phileo is usually acquainted with loving affections - that is, its primarily a type of love that springs from emotions.

To understand Peter's grief even more, we find the following scripture in John 13:

Simon Peter asked him, “Lord, where are you going?” Jesus replied, “Where I am going, you cannot follow now, but you will follow later.” Peter asked, “Lord, why can’t I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.” John 13:36-37

Here, Jesus revealed to His disciples that He was going to die (John 12) and that He will be betrayed by one of them (John 13). Simon then steps out boldly to show his love and devotion to the Lord by declaring that he was willing to lay down His life for the Lord. In saying so, he was trying to imply that his love for Jesus was an Agape type of love - unconditional and sacrificial till death. Jesus knowing the true heart condition of Peter then said to him "Will you really lay down your life for me? Very truly I tell you, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!" John 13:38

And as we know Peter did indeed deny Jesus three times while he was being questioned and flogged in the crowd. 

Therefore, when Peter was asked the first two times, "Peter, do you Agape me?". Peter could only reply that he Phileo-ed the Lord - that is, his love was limited only to His feelings for Jesus, not the Unconditional, Sacrificial Love that he always thought he had for the Lord. He wasn't truly willing to lay down his life for the Lord. 

That's why it grieved Peter so much when the Lord finally acknowledged that Peter Phileo-ed him the third time He asked. Jesus, by one simple question, had revealed to him the true condition of his deceitful heart.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9

Most Christians are like Peter. They are pumped up, loud, extravagant for Jesus and in everything that they do, they try to prove their love for Jesus by their exceptional display of outward devotion. Yes, most of them do have genuine passion and emotional love for God. Yet, the truth is, they too like Peter, do not yet understand the true conditions of their Heart. God however, sees much more than that. 

The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Peter learnt through this experience to be discerning over his own heart. He learnt not to be driven by his emotional love for God, but rather by the Long-Suffering Grace and Forgiveness that the Lord has displayed upon him - That is, even though he couldn't do what he so boldly declared and that despite the fact that he disowned the Lord three times in His most crucial hour, Jesus not only forgave him, but could still bring himself to use him to shepherd His flock. 

This is Love [Agape], not that we Love [Agapao] God, but that He loved [Agapao] us (1 John 4:10).

Agape Love is Sacrificial. It is first of all Fully-Surrendered unto the Lord. It is not defined by feelings and is not attained in split seconds. However, it comes from the understanding of God's Love and Grace in our lives through the revelation from the Holy Spirit. It's only when we fully understand the depth of God's Love and Grace in our lives, that we can surrender ourselves fully to Him in return and love in this way. It is only then, that we can find the strength to truly love [Agapao] God and our enemies / neighbors.

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. Matthew 6:12

Unless we come to a revelation of God's forgiveness and grace in our lives, we can never forgive or show grace to others. It was never about our love or devotion for God. It's always been about God's Amazing Love and Grace towards us.

Feed my sheep

Until we've learnt to recognise the true condition of our hearts for God, God cannot use us. 

When Jesus asked Peter the third time: "Do you love [Phileo] me?" - that is, do you now know that your love for me are just unreliable feelings of affection? Peter could only reply "Lord,  you know all things (i.e. only you see the true nature of my heart) You know that I (can only) love [Phileo] you." 

It's only then that Jesus would say, that revelation alone is enough, because now Peter finally understood that he couldn't love [Agape] God by his own strength and was finally ready to truly die for Him by the power of the Holy Spirit at work in Him. He then said to Peter, "Feed my sheep. But in doing so, you will be persecuted and die as a martyr."

“Feed my sheep. Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. 

Then he said to him, “Follow me!” John 21:17-20

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Peter died AD67 and was crucified at Rome with his head downwards, as he himself had desired to suffer. This is why an upside down cross is generally accepted as a symbol of Peter, who would not have considered himself worthy enough to die the same way as his Savior.

Reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Peter